


ennui

by cloudrains



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Trans Character, Trans Remus, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-03-16 13:44:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3490493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudrains/pseuds/cloudrains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ennui (änˈwē) - noun, a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.<br/>Sirius is cleared of all charges after the events of Prisoner of Azkaban, but Peter escapes anyway. Remus and Sirius have to find a way to come together all over again, while keeping Harry out of trouble. (Not a raising-Harry fic.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. cleaning up

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how long I intend this fic to be, but this is the first of at least three chapters. A side note- Remus is trans in this fic, and while it does not feature prominently in this chapter, it may later on.

Remus had thought, of course, that he might see him again. He’d hoped that he would show up at his doorstep, maybe even stay for a few nights. Remus could make room for him, even in his tiny flat. He always had.  But Remus hadn’t seen hide nor hair of him, until one day he picked up the Prophet from the front step and caught a glance of that mangy head of hair he had only seen for that short hour in the Shrieking Shack. He felt his heart leap in his chest in an unpleasant sort of way and he unfolded the paper, eyes flicking over it in search of a headline. They settled on “INNOCENT” and Remus felt himself stagger away from the door and onto his beaten settee. The word rang through his head for the rest of the day- “innocent, innocent, innocent”.

* * *

 

Remus had been reading the Prophet from cover to cover and there had been many articles about Sirius (he even saw a picture of James, and had to close the paper for a while), but none that gave him much more than a very general picture of what had happened. It was all the same to Remus- Sirius had gone before the Wizengamot with the help of Dumbledore and a few old friends in the Ministry and offered up his memories for the court to see. It was all there- Peter’s betrayal, his confession at the end of the school year, Sirius’ devastation at James and Lily’s deaths-the Ministry had been persuaded to look into the matter further, and after a long deliberation among some more troublesome members of the court (Remus saw the name Dolores Umbridge, which he was all too familiar with)- he had been acquitted. They had summoned Harry, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger to the courts as well, and the stories matched so perfectly that they’d be convinced no Imperius could have done it. Remus didn’t have to wonder why he wasn’t called. They didn’t trust men like him at the Ministry. They hadn’t for years.

* * *

 

It took five more days before he heard any more news. A letter was dropped into his lap at breakfast by a dingy looking owl, and Remus opened it hurriedly. That same familiar scrawl was on the parchment, but he was disappointed to see that the letter wasn’t long.

‘Remus- I’m sure you saw the paper. I’ve been spending time with Harry, and cleaning out the house in hopes he’ll be able to come live here. It’s a bit gloomier than I remember. Wishing you the best- Sirius.’

Remus felt his stomach jerk at the tone of the letter; ‘wishing you the best’? After all that had happened, he was being dismissed. He couldn’t blame Sirius, of course. He would have picked to see Harry first, too, if he had been made godfather. It wasn’t right for him to be angry, but he couldn’t help it… he had missed Sirius with such fervor in the past few months it was as if he had lost him all over again. He wrote his reply hastily, wishing he’d been invited to see him.

‘Sirius: I was happy to see your name has been cleared. Thank Merlin for Dumbledore, I don’t know how ~~we’d~~ you’d have done it without him. I’m sorry you’re at that horrible house again, if you need a hand with restorations, write me and I’ll be there. I hope you and Harry are well. – Remus’

He sent the owl on its way after giving it a bite of bacon, and watched it fly North, to London.

* * *

 

He got the fright of his life a few days later when he was eating dinner.

“That’s disgusting, you know.” Remus jumped so violently he only just managed to catch his plate and stop it from falling to the floor. He turned to the fireplace, where Sirius’ head was shining dimly in the embers. His hair was cropped clean and shorter than Remus had seen it in years, and he looked no less thin than he had when Remus had seen him last.

“Fuck’s sake, couldn’t you have called?” he said, recovering quickly from what had felt like a miniature heart attack. “What’s disgusting?”

“I don’t have a… a telephone thing. And I mean the way you eat your meat like that. Bloody and raw.” Sirius turned his nose up at it.

“W-we haven’t spoken in months and you want to talk about the way I take my steak?” Remus couldn’t help but smile at the familiar way he and Sirius spoke, and he got out of his chair and knelt down by the fireside.

“I didn’t know how to how to say hello, considering the circumstances.” Sirius’ voice was shockingly tender, and Remus’ smile softened a bit.

“Yes.” Remus worried his lower lip between his teeth. “How is freedom?”

Sirius took a long moment to answer. “Not all that different from Azkaban.” he said quietly. “But seeing Harry helps. Remus, he looks-“

“Just like James, I know.” Remus finished for him.

“But he has Lily’s eyes. It’s peculiar.” Sirius smiled sadly. They sat there in silence for another minute. “How have you been, since you left the school?”

Remus took a deep breath looked around. “I’m doing well.” he replied easily. It was easy to ignore the peeling paint and threadbare curtains in the dim light of the fire. Sirius didn’t seem to notice the obvious lie and gave him a dog-like smile.

“I guess you know what I’m here for…” Sirius paused at the obvious confusion on Remus’ face. “No? Oh, well, Harry is coming by next week. Before the World Cup, you know… and it still smells of piss and the damn house elf is only hiding in the cupboard and nicking my things when he thinks I’m not looking. I think I saw a Boggart yesterday, but I can’t be sure… but you’re good with those.”

“And you want me to help clean?” Remus asked, understanding finally. Of course. He had offered, hadn’t he?

“I know it’s not a tempting offer…” Sirius said apologetically.

“ Of course I’ll come by, Sirius.” Remus said quickly. “It’s no problem.”

* * *

 

He showed up the next morning with a bit of cold sausage and bread for breakfast. Sirius had been right- if the house had been gloomy before, now it was downright depressing. Spiderwebs covered the ceiling and a thick layer of dust lay on every surface Sirius hadn’t touched. Sirius closed the door quietly behind Remus, which he assumed was because he didn’t want to disturb any creatures that had no doubt taken up residence within the walls. Instead, Sirius pointed at a set of long, moth ridden curtains hanging in the narrow hallway.

“Mum’s portrait. Gave me a bit of a fright when I first came in, started screaming at me.” Sirius attempted what he must have thought to be a carefree smile, but Remus could see that he must have been quite disturbed by this encounter.

“You can’t get it down?” Remus asked, following him into the kitchen, where a clearly desperate attempt at cleaning had been made. The room didn’t look fit to eat in, but Sirius clearly had been trying, there were remnants of dinner on the table and a few empty liquor bottles.

“She’s put some sort of Sticking Charm on it, and I’ll be damned if I haven’t tried every spell I know to take it off.” Sirius sighed.

“How about I have a look at it after breakfast?” Remus said politely, but knew that if Sirius hadn’t been able to get if off, chances were he couldn’t either. Sirius nodded, so he took out his wand and cleared off the table, then set out the food. “I don’t suppose we should attempt cooking in here yet?” he asked, looking around.

“No, it’s filthy.” Sirius frowned.

“No problem.” Remus passed him the bread and the last of his butter, as he looked like he could stand to gain even more weight than Remus did, which was saying something.

Sirius ate eagerly and messily, and Remus watched him uncomfortably as he started on his sausages. It occurred to him that Sirius had always had very neat table manners at Hogwarts, unless drunk, and despite the lingering smell of whiskey on Sirius’ robes, Remus did not think he was intoxicated. They finished their meal in a kind of quiet that Remus felt was suffocating, but Sirius didn’t seem to mind. He ate with the single mindedness of an animal, and when he had finished, stood up abruptly.

“I’ll be upstairs.”

Before Remus could respond, Sirius was gone, and he was left to finish his meal alone. When he was done, he went back to the hall and looked at the portrait. He prodded the curtains with his wand, and when a raspy voice whispered ‘Who is that?’ he decided it was best left alone and went up the stairs to look for Sirius.

Every room looked deserted, until he reached the topmost floor, where one door hung open, swinging slightly. Remus stepped a foot inside, looking around, then jumped back as he saw a large winged creature standing in the corner.

“Of course you brought the bird…” he said to Sirius, who was petting it fondly. The hippogriff snapped angrily in Remus’ direction.

“He’s not a bird, and his name is Buckbeak.” Sirius replied. “And he deserves a bit of respect, he saved my neck.”

Remus wanted to point out that it was Harry that had done the actual saving, but said nothing. He gave Buckbeak an awkward but polite nod and stepped forward. Sirius’ hand faltered on hippogriff’s back and he looked away from Remus.

“Sorry I left like that. Sometimes people are a bit overwhelming.” he looked sorry, though he shouldn’t have been. Of course twelve years without a friendly word would do that to a person. Remus could imagine it.

“It’s alright.” he didn’t really want to talk about it, if it was all the same to Sirius. “I had a look at the portrait, and I don’t think I can pry it off either. But we might get some heavier curtains.”

Sirius nodded. “Good idea.” he walked to Remus’ side, to the door, kicking up dust as he went. “I thought we could tackle my bedroom, first… and then the kitchen.”

“Of course.” Remus followed him down the steps to his bedroom, but he knew the way. One day, a long time ago, they might have made the same journey.

The door creaked open and they stood together in the doorway, looking at the mess. It seemed as if no one had touched the place since Sirius had last left it, apart from a dust-free portion of the bed and a new trunk sitting in the corner. Remus walked in first and looked around, smiling fondly at the Gryffindor hangings and the Muggle posters he’d bought for him one year at Christmas as a bit of a joke.

“It’s like we’re fifteen again.” Remus said hoarsely.

“Is it?” Sirius sighed. “It doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore… all the things I had when I moved out are gone.”

“Not all of them.” Remus corrected quietly. “I saved a few, in a box somewhere. It’s probably at my dad’s house.” He hoped that he hadn’t thrown them out, because Sirius’ face lit up.

“What things? I know Hagrid has my bike, but I thought the rest would have been burned, or something like that.”

“Just letters, pictures… and a few pieces of clothes.” Remus said guiltily, because he’d really had no reason to save those, except for maybe selfish nostalgia. Sirius’ leather jacket, especially, had caused him trouble to keep, and he had put it in the attic after a while, thinking it would be its permanent resting place.

“Can you bring them by?” Sirius asked hopefully.

“Of course, I’d forgotten about them until just now.” Remus said truthfully. He took out his wand. “Shall we get to work, then?”

They worked in tandem, occasionally bumping into each other as they cleared out the dust and fought off the vermin living underneath the bed. Sirius’ wandwork was noticeably worse than before, and he commented on it a bit bitterly, ‘it’s hard to get back on the broomstick you fell off twelve years ago.’ It took them a few hours, but soon the room was fit to sleep in, and Sirius sat down on the bed, looking handsome. Remus watched him, his pulse quickening, because it seemed as if he were about to say something that Remus had been waiting to hear for years, and then…

 “Should I give Harry this room, or put him somewhere else?”

 “Oh.” Remus scratched the back of his neck. “We could clear another for him, if you like it in here.”

 Sirius looked around, resting his hand on one of his old pillows. “Yeah, I don’t know if I could sleep anywhere else in this house. He’ll want to stay before the Cup for at least a night, I hope.”

 “Sirius… you aren’t thinking of going to the Cup, surely?”

 The look on Sirius’ face made it obvious that he very much intended to. Remus heaved a sigh and sat down on the bed beside him.

 “Won’t that be… well, there’s going to be loads of people there. They’ll all recognize you, do you think you can deal with that without flying off the handle?” he knew he shouldn’t have said it as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

 “I’m not mad like everyone says I am, thanks very much.” Sirius growled. “Besides, if I want to see Harry, this is how I have to do it.” Remus detected some anger, there as well, but Sirius was doing an uncharacteristically good job of hiding it.

 “I’m sure Harry would be happy to see you after the World Cup, or before.” he said gently.

 “Harry might be, but Dumbledore certainly isn’t.” Sirius spat out.

 “Why would Dumbledore care? He helped you clear your name, he knows you aren’t a danger.” Remus furrowed his brow.

 “That’s what I thought, but he’s been scheming… he knows something we don’t about the Peter situation and he told me Harry can’t stay with me for more than a few nights at a time. Every time I try to talk to him about it he’s suddenly busy with something. And you’re the first person to even ask about it, so that just goes to show…” he took a deep breath, and the room went quiet. Remus could see his hands balled up into fists, his fingers digging into his palms.

 “He’s just trying to help.” Remus said, once Sirius had relaxed a little.

 “Help who? Harry? Remus, he’s living with Muggles… you met them, you know what they’re like.”

 Remus had to admit he couldn’t see the logic in this, but Dumbledore always knew what was best. He hadn’t let them down before, and if he thought Sirius wasn’t ready to watch Harry than he must be right.

 “You just need to give it some time, it’s only been a few weeks…”

 Sirius looked away from him, and he felt as if he’d done something wrong again. He reached out to touch Sirius’ shoulder, but they both flinched away before they made contact.

 “Let’s just go finish cleaning then, shall we?” Remus gave him a weak smile.

 It took the whole day for them to finish. The house was so large that it felt as if they had barely touched it, but they cleaned out enough space for Harry, made the kitchen functional once more, and confirmed that there was indeed a boggart living in the wardrobe in the drawing room. Remus made Sirius promise not to tackle it alone, and said he’d be back in a few days to help him again. He left just as the sun went down, and Sirius looked a little relieved to see him go. Or maybe it was sadness, he couldn’t tell anymore.

* * *

 

 When he visited his father the next day, Lyall asked how Sirius was doing. Remus didn’t know how to answer, and to the surprise of both of them snapped his reply, and then went out to the garden to cry. He smoked a cigarette so it looked like he had a reason to be out there, and came back in and apologized.

 “Sorry, da…” his voice was so tired it didn’t sound like his own.

 “Do you want a drink?” Lyall asked, and Remus was relieved he didn’t have to explain himself any further.

 “Yeah.” He took the glass of wine he was poured and drank it gratefully, falling asleep slowly in front of the fire. Lyall slipped the glass out of his hand when he finally nodded off for good, and slid a blanket over him.

 Remus woke up the next morning and wrote him a note of thanks, then went to the attic to get Sirius’ things. They were still there, though the parchment was yellowing and curling at the edges. He took it all to his flat, and slid it under his bed. He’d give it to Sirius when the time was right.

* * *

 

 The next time he came by, Sirius didn’t answer the door. If it had been anyone else, he would have suspected they had gone out; then again, if it were anyone else, Remus wouldn’t have come calling. He forced his way in through the door with a bang, and was greeted by the shrieking of Walburga’s portrait almost immediately.

 “I told you, get out of my house, you filthy blood traitor!” her bloodshot eyes caught sight of Remus and she howled, pointing a bony finger at him. “WEREWOLF! Half-breed! How dare you enter the house of my forefathers, no better than my son-“

 Remus used the full force of his strength to pull the curtains back over her, and stood back, panting for breath. The house was quiet, now. Sirius wouldn’t dare go out alone, would he? The kitchen showed no sign of breakfast being made, so Remus walked upstairs, his fingers tapping against his thigh anxiously. Sirius’ door was closed. He gave a quiet knock, then opened it. It took him a moment to realize the shape under the blanket was Sirius. His eyes were open, dark circles hanging below them.

 “Moony?” he said croakily. Remus felt his heart beat faster and he rushed to his side. Sirius closed his eyes. “What day is it?”

 “It’s Saturday, I’m here to get rid of the boggart.” he said quietly, noticing Sirius was shivering under the covers.

 “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot.” he said, but made no move to get out of bed. “I lost track of time… Remus, I don’t think I c-can…”

 Remus hushed him, putting a hand on his back. He felt so small.

 “I’ll go make us a cup of tea, and then take care of it myself.”

 Sirius made a movement that might have passed for a nod, but said nothing else, burrowing further under the sheets.

* * *

 

 When Remus returned with the tea, he set it on the table beside the bed. Sirius was breathing shallowly now, his face more peaceful than Remus had seen it since he arrived. He sat down on the bed beside him, and Sirius stirred, his eyes blinking open. Without a word, he took Remus’ hand, and pulled him down, wrapping his arms around him. Remus took a shaky breath, kicked off his shoes, and climbed under the blankets with him. Sirius was small, but warm, and clung to Remus tightly. He rolled over to face him, and up close, Sirius’ face was much as it had been before. Small mouth, dark eyebrows, pointed chin. Remus put his hand on his head and combed through his hair with his fingers. Sirius relaxed into his touch, and was asleep again. Remus tried not to think about it, and closed his eyes as well.

 When they woke a few hours later, they were tangled together, Sirius’ long legs intertwined with his. His head was on Remus’ chest, making it difficult to breath. Remus said nothing.

 “I’d forgotten you had them.” Sirius said peacefully, putting a hand on his waist. “Weren’t you planning on going to Healers?”

 Remus normally did not like to talk about his breasts- it was easier to forget them, that way. “I didn’t have the money.” he replied, and Sirius’ eyes flashed, aware of what he had said. “Don’t worry, it’s okay… what happened while I was gone?”

 “I tried to get rid of the boggart on my own.” Sirius said in a low voice. “Only, it wasn’t a _headless_ corpse this time.”

 Remus squeezed him tighter. He didn’t have to ask what Sirius had seen.

 “I’ll go take care of it…” he soothed.

 “Yours could have changed too.” his voice shook.

 “When I was teaching, there was one in the staff room. It hasn’t changed.” He ran a hand along Sirius’ back, and he could feel his ribs poking through his shirt significantly.

 Sirius looked at him for a long time, and Remus tried not to feel self-conscious under his gaze. It was hard, when Sirius didn’t look away.

 “You look older.”

 “Oh, I thought I was about to get a compliment.” Remus said dryly. The comment would have stung from anyone else, but Sirius just spoke it like the fact it was.

 “Well, I’m older than you, and I look it.”

 “Only by five months. And you still don’t.” Remus said, nearly smiling.

 “Damn, I thought maybe something good could come from this...” Sirius did smile then, and Remus did too, and he felt better than he had in a long, long time.

* * *

 

 The boggart was easy to take care of. Sirius hovered outside the door as Remus did it, and it only took a few waves of his wand before it was gone. He shrugged as he walked out the door, Sirius eagerly awaiting his return.

 “The moon doesn’t scare me like it used to… well, not in Boggart form, anyway.” he jumped in surprise as Sirius hugged him, but wrapped his arms around him anyway. They stood there for a moment, and then he cleared his throat. “Sirius, I should go. I have to check up on dad.” It was an obvious lie, but he thought he might cry and he didn’t want Sirius to see that. He felt Sirius’ grip slacken and then he pulled away.

 “Yeah, alright. Thanks.” he said, and then walked away, back up the stairs to his sanctuary in the attic. Remus could hear him murmuring to Buckbeak as he left the house.

* * *

 

 Remus had come over nearly every weekday after that. The visits were quiet, a short meal followed by a day of cleaning, the silence punctuated by Sirius talking about Harry. He wrote him nearly every day, more often now that they’d become familiar with each other. On Harry’s birthday they had sent him a cake, and Sirius had given him a card to sign. He didn’t know what to write, so he scribbled out ‘Best wishes, Professor Lupin’, and Sirius had laughed at him and told him he was getting stuffy and proper. When Harry replied he thanked them profusely, saying that he had only been eating grapefruit and toast for the last week, because the Muggles were on a diet.

 “Saviour of the wizarding world and he isn’t even getting a proper breakfast.” Sirius grumbled. “At least he still has a sense of humor.” Those last words were spoken with a sense of pride, and Sirius smiled up at Remus. “Do you want to come with us?”

 “To the World Cup, with you and Harry?” Remus raised an eyebrow, not entertaining the idea for even a moment.

 “Yes, I’m sure Arthur Weasley could get another ticket. He managed to get enough for his whole clan. And Harry would love to see you, he still speaks fondly of your classes.”

 Remus frowned. “I’m not sure… I’d feel like I was imposing, Sirius.”

 Sirius shook his head. “I’m the one who’s imposing, he’s going with his friends, you know. If you come I’ll have somebody to talk to.”

 He wanted to say no, but he could see anxiousness in his eyes. “Okay…” he sighed. “If Arthur can get another ticket, I’ll go.”

 Sirius grinned and added a note to the bottom of his reply before sending it away with Hedwig. Remus hid his smile by returning to cleaning the curtains, which were full of doxies. He was bit on his finger, and cursed loudly. Sirius was at his side with the anti-venom in moments, and Remus wanted to run away for the way Sirius was looking at him, his eyes wide and watery.

* * *

 

 Arthur and Molly Weasley dropped Harry off at Grimmauld Place Sunday night before the Cup. Remus knew them by association- Arthur was a thin, balding man, and Molly had red hair and resembled her brothers in a disconcerting sort of way. Sirius had asked Remus to be there when Harry arrived, so it was less awkward for them. Remus was certain this wouldn’t help, but came anyway. Harry had gotten taller over the summer, but lack of food had given him a weedy, stretched appearance.

 Remus set about cooking dinner for the three of them while Sirius showed Harry the house. He smirked as he heard Sirius telling Harry about his family in the same way he had told the rest of them so many years before. Harry was polite, and overjoyed to see Sirius above all. Remus stayed out of their way and called them into the kitchen when he was done.

 “Sorry, I’m not much of a cook, but-“

 Harry and Sirius were already digging in, and Remus relaxed. Harry told them a story about the Weasley twins and a prank involving magical sweets and his Muggle cousin. Sirius roared in laughter and when Remus remarked that the twins had picked up the map years before, he grinned.

 “Well, they learned from the best then, didn’t they?”

 “Too right, they’re lucky we didn’t lead them into more trouble.” Remus said, finishing off his stew. “In the hands of someone else, that could have caused quite a bit of havoc.” He looked at Harry, whose ears turned red.

 “I try to stay out of trouble, it just seems to follow me.”  he mumbled.

 “James would have said the same thing, but he was too curious for his own good.” Sirius said.

 “You’re acting as if you had nothing to do with that.” Remus interjected.

 “So are you.” Sirius laughed, and then both of them looked to Harry, who had gone quiet, and was looking at his lap. “Harry? Are you alright?”

 Harry shifted in his seat, and Remus made to get up and give them some privacy, but Sirius put a hand on his arm to stop him.

 “A couple days ago, my scar started hurting.” Harry said. He sounded sorry to even be telling them, and fidgeted with the sleeve of his overlong jumper.

 The smile disappeared from Sirius’ face, and he leaned over the table, looking grave. “It hurt? When? Were you doing anything unusual?”

 Harry shook his head. “Just sleeping. I’ve been getting weird dreams, though…”

 “Dreams about what?” Remus asked, watching Sirius process what Harry had told them, a shadow of fear passing over his face.

 “Nightmares.” Harry looked anxious. “About Voldemort. And when I woke up, my scar was burning.”

 “I don’t like the sound of that.” Sirius said darkly, his nails digging into the table. “Something is happening, and no one is talking about it, but mark my words- “

 “Sirius.” Remus interrupted him, and Harry looked quite frightened. Sirius had been rising from his chair and sat back down slowly.

 “It will be fine, Harry, don’t you worry.” Sirius smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Besides, it’s the World Cup tomorrow, we’re going to get our minds off of all this and have some fun.”

 At the mention of Quidditch, Harry perked up again. “You’re right, we can talk about it later.” He almost sounded as if he was trying to placate Sirius, which was a bit foolish. “It was just a dream, anyway.”

 “Just a dream.” Sirius smiled again. “Well, we’d better get going to bed, Harry, if you want to meet your friends in the morning.”

 Harry nodded and stood up to clean his plate in the sinking, yawning loudly. Sirius poured himself a glass of wine and cleaned up their plates with his wand before showing Harry to his room, where his brother Regulus used to live. He came back downstairs half an hour later, and sat beside Remus at the table.

 “You can take the bed, I’ll sleep on the settee.” he said. Remus was glad he hadn’t suggested they share the bed now, not when Sirius was this way, so fragile and so maddeningly quiet about everything Remus wanted to talk about.

 “Don’t be ridiculous.” Remus retorted. “It’s your house, I can sleep on a sofa for one night. It’s probably more comfortable than my bed at home anyway.”

 “But-“ Remus gave Sirius a quelling look and he heaved a breath of defeat. “Well, I’ll get you some blankets anyway.” He walked upstairs and went to his room, and Remus slung his bag over his shoulder and went to the parlor, dusting off a ratty couch with his wand. He pulled off his robes, cardigan, and trousers, until he was only in pants and a shirt, and shivered in the cold and dark. He could feel Sirius watching him as he came back into the room.

 “Blankets, and an extra pillow.” he held the small pile aloft. “I’ll cast a warming charm too.”

 “You don’t have to play host, Sirius.” Remus slid off his binder and hid his chest with his arms. Sirius looked away politely until Remus was dressed again and then he took the stack from his arms, stretching the thinnest blanket across the dusty upholstery.

 “I’m not.” Sirius took the other side and helped him, their hands brushing together for a moment. “I just want you to feel comfortable.”

 “Well, it makes me feel like we’ve only just met.” Remus said, throwing the pillow down at the head of the couch.

 “I’m sorry.” Sirius was suddenly right in front of him. Remus couldn’t see him in the dark of the living room, but could hear him coming closer, and when he put his arms around him, he could feel the warmth of his breath on his neck. “You know how I feel about you.”

 ‘I do?’ Remus wanted to ask, and then Sirius was kissing him, finding his lips in the dark, and pulling their bodies closer together. Remus kissed him back, and it was like twelve years ago, when Sirius pushed him against the wall and begged him not to go, kissing him as if it might keep him there. They kissed until Remus felt dizzy with exhilaration and lack of air, and when they pulled apart, Sirius was trembling.

 “Good night.” he said quietly. Remus kissed him once more and then Sirius left, the door creaking closed behind him. He got under the covers and ran his fingertips over his lips, wondering already when he’d be allowed to kiss him again.

 

 


	2. a face in the crowd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sirius and remus visit the grounds of the quidditch world cup with harry and company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcoming some Weasley's into this chapter. If you aren't careful, those guys will just take over. But they're a joy to write.

Remus, Harry, and Sirius stalked through the tall dew covered grass early that morning in search of the campsite. Remus thought it was far too early to be awake, but Sirius had insisted they all go together to meet Harry’s friends, and since he had slipped a bit of Irish Cream into Remus’ coffee that morning, Remus had obliged him.  Since Harry couldn’t apparate alone and Sirius was out of practice, it was up to Remus to get them there anyhow. (They’d apparated into a deserted area in a field and had gotten quite lost at first.)

Sirius hadn’t said much that morning, unless it involved Harry. He’d made himself busy making breakfast, and they were out the door without a private moment between the two of them. Part of Remus was glad for this, but of course it could mean that things were returning to the way they had been, and although it was understandable, the idea of it did hurt a little bit. In a way Remus was glad for it since he had little idea what he could have said were they to breach the topic. But worry gnawed at his gut, that his distance might mean things were returning to the way they had been during his first few days helping Sirius. It was understandable, even so the idea of it hurt a little bit.

Still, Remus could not help wishing Sirius would walk a little closer, and take his hand in his, even though Harry might see.

* * *

 A small cottage slowly came into view as the fog dissipated and Remus could hear the dull hum of early morning conversation carrying across the grass. A few groups of people stood beside it--the red hair of the Weasleys was unmistakable and he could see that Arthur was sorting through his Muggle money, muttering to himself. Harry grinned as the group came into view and while Sirius smiled back at him there was a noticeable stiffness to his shoulders.

“Morning, everyone.” Remus said when Sirius said nothing.

The whole group turned to look at them and Harry joined his friends excitedly. Remus thought he caught the words “Quidditch” and “broom”, which was no surprise. He turned to Arthur, and pointed out the bills he needed.

“Sorry about that, these little bits of paper… so confusing.”

The Muggle man took his money and stared at him, something like suspicion on his face.

“Are you lot foreign?” he looked over the group, and Remus saw immediately that they had not quite dressed the part, apart from himself, Harry, and Hermione.

“Foreign?” Arthur sounded wary.

“You’re not the first one who’s had trouble with money. I had two try and pay me with great gold coins the size of hubcaps ten minutes ago.”

Sirius, who had been quiet until now, muttered something like ‘Muggles, honestly…’ and the man narrowed his eyes, trying to make out what he had said.

At that, a wizard apparated precisely beside the man, pointed a wand at his temple, and said, sharply: “Obliviate!”

The Muggle’s sneer at Sirius slackened, his eyes going glassy.  Sirius had jumped violently at the noise and gripped Remus’ arm, a look of fear in his eyes. The Memory Charm had done its job, and Arthur began to talk with the wizard that had performed it about Ministry business. As they left the cabin and walked into a larger field the wizard disappeared again with a quiet pop.

“I suppose you haven’t met much of my family yet, have you, Sirius? Of course, Remus will know them all, he was their teacher…” Arthur pointed at the twins. “There’s Fred, and… No, wait, the other is Fred, that’s George. And then there’s Ron, you know him, and Ginny, our youngest.”

“Nice to meet you all.” Sirius said and stood a bit closer to Remus. All but Ron looked curiously at Sirius, who gave Remus a friendly wave, which he returned.

“Well, we should find our campsite now, I think.” Arthur unfolded a large map and pushed his glasses up his nose to look at it closer. “Ah, there it is, at the end.”

They walked into the campsite behind the rest of the group and gradually Sirius relaxed a bit, still looking around apprehensively at the hundreds of wizards and milling around their camps. At first, their presence went largely unnoticed among the crowds, but soon Remus thought he saw a few eyes linger first on Sirius and then on the lot of them when they realized who he was. As they walked into the campsite, Remus took care to keep his pace more leisurely, allowing Sirius the opportunity to lag behind as well. Sirius seemed to notice this too, because he walked nearer to Remus, saying very little and jumping at the slightest provocation.

“I should have worn a disguise.” He muttered to Remus. “If anyone tries to talk to me, I swear I’ll kill them.”

“That’s probably not the best choice of words, considering your circumstances.” Remus said lightly, gripping Sirius’ arm as they walked past a group of witches who began to talk loudly in French, pointing in their direction. His comment made Sirius smile a bit, and he was grateful when they got to the spot Arthur had reserved at the far end of the field, nearest to the woods.

“Here we are. Now, there’s going to be twelve of us, and I’ve got the two tents, so girls in one and boys in another, I think…” he heaved off his large backpack and set it on the ground, pulling out an array of poles and canvas.

Sirius set down his considerably smaller bag, and opened it up. Remus hadn’t thought to ask exactly what he was bringing, but he saw the shine of purple silk and knew immediately.

“Actually…” Sirius said, smiling as he held it up. “We’ve got one more tent. And it’s quite large, if my memory serves me right. We only ever used it once.”

Arthur looked up from the dust covered canvas he was pulling out of the bag.

“Right… well, will it fit all of us?”

“I think so.” Sirius said. “Should we see?” Remus could see his eyes shining with excitement.

Arthur gave a little shrug, which was as good as a ‘yes’ to Sirius, unrolling the bundle of silk in his hands down on the grass. The fabric of it seemed to lengthen and expand as it unfurled, and when it all had, Sirius pulled out his wand, and tapped it on his thigh.

“Everybody stand back.”

Arthur looked concerned. “You really should put that away, we aren’t supposed to use our wands with Muggles about.”

“This won’t take long.” Sirius replied, and with a flourish (which was completely unnecessary, in Remus’ opinion) waved his wand and pointed it at the tent. The whole group gave a cry as the silk billowed and expanded, growing upwards as if the interior were propelling it. It continued to grow well past the height of an ordinary tent, until it stood twenty feet in the air, shining in the morning sun. Stepping back, Remus could see that it had windows, and something suspiciously like a chimney at the top of it.

* * *

The whole party gaped at the tent; Hermione looked scandalized. Sirius glanced back at Arthur apologetically, but when he saw Harry was smiling in amazement, his worry disappeared.

“It was my family’s, back in the day. We never really used it though.” he said, stepping towards the opening. “I forgot there were two floors.”

“This doesn’t look Muggle at all.” Hermione said, frowning a bit, though it was clear she was impressed by it anyway. Sirius laughed a bit harshly.

“Like I said, it belonged to my parents.”  He heaved a sigh and poked his head in. “You’re all welcome to it, if you’re interested.”

“Can we, dad?” The twins asked. Remus saw Ron look hopeful too, his eyes were lingering on the considerably older tents his father had brought.

“Oh, all right…” Arthur said. “It’s not as bad as Lucius Malfoy’s tent, anyway. Peacocks, I tell you…”

Harry lead the way in and the rest of the kids followed. Sirius looked back at Remus before he headed inside. Remus ducked into the tent--the door was just a bit too short for him to fit under--and he looked around. It was just what Remus had expected: finely furnished and still larger than it had appeared on the outside. It was a bit dusty from lack of use, but otherwise untouched. The parlor had several armchairs and a fireplace, and Remus thought he saw a large kitchen down the hall.

Harry and Ron came running down the stairs, followed by the twins, who appeared to be delighted.

“There’s five bedrooms, we counted.” Harry said, looking from Sirius to Arthur.

“Well, let’s see… we can bunk up. Ginny, Hermione, you’re together.” Arthur looked around at the rest of them. “Twins and Ron… no, that’s a bad idea. Twins, with Charlie, Harry and Ron, you’re together, and I can share with Percy and Bill when they’ve arrived.” He turned back to Sirius. “Though it’s your place, and you should get first pick.”

“I’ll take the bedroom at the end of the hall.” Sirius said, but Remus knew he didn’t care either way. He was looking at a coat of arms hanging above the fireplace with distaste. The kids thundered upstairs, claiming rooms, and Arthur followed them. Sirius and Remus were left to stand alone in the foyer. Realization dawned then that  he was meant to be sharing a room with Sirius.

“Well… I’ll go set my things down, then.” he said uneasily. Sirius was still staring at the large coat of arms in the living room, lost in his own thoughts, and turned to Remus.

“Sure. I’ll be up shortly.” he replied.

“Okay.” Remus smiled a little, relieved that Sirius didn’t seem to have a problem sharing quarters with him. They held each other’s gaze and he could feel Sirius’ eyes linger over his lips. “By the way, your wand is sending off sparks.”

Sirius gave a cry of surprise and jumped back, spraying a stream of water over the small fire he had started.

“Damn it.” Remus heard him say as he walked up the stairs.

* * *

 The bedroom at the end of the hall was small, and rather like a hotel, without any of the heirlooms that so distinguished Grimmauld Place. He noted ruefully that it was cleaner as well, and wanted to suggest that Sirius might make the move permanent. Sirius came up a few minutes later, the sleeve of his shirt soaking wet and dripping onto the floor.

“This is how I remember it.” he said, and sounded pleased. Remus watched as he set his bag down under the bed and fell back onto the mattress with a sigh. “I could use a nap.”

“You’re the one that insisted on getting here early.” Remus said. “You wanted to do that just so you could take a nap?”

“I thought…” Sirius looked somber. “I thought no one would notice me in a crowd like this. Well, I didn’t think everyone would recognize me. I don’t like the attention... it’s a lot to handle.”

“You don’t have to go out again.” Remus sat down on the bed beside him. “We could just… stay here for the night.”

Sirius shook his head. “No, I want to see the match. People won’t be looking at me then, they’ll be looking at that Krum.”

“Of course.” Remus said, wary of sharing his hesitations about being in large crowds with Sirius again. Last time he had mentioned it, had threatened to hex him.

Sirius closed his eyes, and Remus heard him sigh softly. His breath had a slight tremor to it and Remus was afraid he might start to cry. He touched his shoulder gently and felt his muscles tighten under his fingers, then slowly relax as he rubbed slow circles into his shoulders.

“I’ll let you sleep.” he said finally, and left the room quietly, closing the door behind him. He went down to the kitchen, his worry gnawing at him, and found that the cupboards were fully stocked. He made a cup of tea and sat at the table.

* * *

An hour later, the tent had settled down and they all sat in the parlor, taking up every available chair. Sirius had come downstairs and was talking animatedly with them all. The Weasleys had taken to him quickly since he had cheered up, and had asked him which team he would be supporting. To Remus’ surprise, Sirius had wholeheartedly picked Ireland, dismissing Krum with a wave of his hand as ‘too young to be any good’. This had raised the ire of Fred, George, and Ron, who insisted Krum was the best Seeker in all of Europe.

“So, which of you lot have played Quidditch?” Sirius asked, looking around the room at them.

“We do.” Fred said immediately.

“We’re Beaters.” George said. “With Harry, of course.”

“I saw you last year, you’re quite the team.” Sirius smiled. “Just like your uncles, back in my day. What about the rest of you?”

“I play during the summers.” Ron offered. “I’m not on the team yet, though.”

“Ah, you’ll make it eventually. Quidditch runs in your blood. You know Weasleys and Prewetts have been on the team nearly every year.” Sirius smirked. “I never did make the team.”

“You never tried out.” Remus said dryly, and Sirius laughed.

Ginny sat in the corner, suspiciously silent, as she looked around at her older brothers discussing Quidditch theory, and which Seeker was better, Krum or Lynch.

“Dad, can we go meet Lee Jordan?” one of the twins asked. Harry and Ron looked interested as well.

“Are his parents here?” Arthur asked, looking a bit anxious.

“Yeah, they’ve got their Irish pride on, he wants to meet up before the match.”

“Can we go too?” Ron asked, sitting up a bit more in his seat.

“Me too!” Ginny said loudly.

Arthur rubbed his eyes tiredly. “You can all go, but you have to stay together, no separating, and no getting into trouble. Be back in two hours, we’ll have lunch then. I have to stay here, your brothers are arriving any minute.”

They all left in a flurry of activity; Harry gave Sirius a wave before he was out the door, following close behind Fred and George. Sirius took a shaky breath and sat back in his seat, but before he could relax, a new group of redheads were poking their heads into the tent.

“Is this the right place?” a voice asked hesitantly. “Dad?”

Arthur looked over his glasses. “Ah, Bill, come in, come in. We’ve got someone for you to meet.”

Another tall Weasley boy with a long ponytail and an earring came inside, followed by his  rather shorter brother who was covered in freckles and sported several large shining burns across his forearms. Percy Weasley brought up the rear, looking around the tent in displeasure and what may have been awe.

“What’s this then?” the first said, looking over Remus and Sirius.

“Bill, this is Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, friends of Harry. We’re taking up residence in Sirius’ tent for the evening.” Arthur said. “Remus, Sirius, these are my oldest… Bill, Charlie, and Percy.”

Remus and Sirius stood up and shook hands with them all.

“Nice tent.” Bill commented, setting down a nice leather bag by the hearth. Charlie and Percy sat down, looking tired.

“Sorry I’m late, I got busy with work again.” Charlie said. “We’ve never moved them this far before.”

“Oh, so you’re the brother with the dragons.” Remus smiled, connecting the dots. “Your siblings have told me a lot about you. I was their professor at Hogwarts.” he explained.

“That would be me.” Charlie grinned, stretching out on the armchair.

“What are you moving them for?” Remus asked. “Not the Cup, surely?”

“No, this has to do with-“ Charlie started.

“I’m sorry. We shouldn’t be discussing that before it’s been officially announced.” Percy interrupted rather quickly. “And, is this tent really the best place for employees of the Ministry to be staying? It’s rather gaudy, not strictly Muggle as Mr. Crouch has said numerous times.” He frowned at all of them, pushing his glasses up on his nose, looking rather like an owl. He hadn’t changed much at all since last year, Remus thought to himself.

“That would be my fault.” Sirius said haughtily. “It’s a family heirloom, but at least it’s of use.”

“Mr. Crouch is of the opinion that-“ Percy started to say, but was interrupted.

“Aw, Perce, lay off.” Bill said, rolling his eyes at his younger brother. “This is the least of Ministry worries right now.” he looked conspiratorially at Charlie. “And I think we can tell them about it before the announcement, it’s only days off.”

“What’s days off?” Sirius asked, looking at the four of them.

Percy was glaring around at the group of them, and folded his arms. “Well, if the news gets out, I’ll tell them where it started.”

“Hogwarts is going to be hosting the Triwizard Tournament this year.” Bill grinned. “First time in centuries.”

Sirius leaned forward, furrowing his brow, thinking hard.  “But that was cancelled years ago. I remember reading about it, I always said I’d enter if I could.” he said quietly.

“They’re bringing it back this year.” Arthur said. “With added precautions, of course. In light of recent rumors, the Ministry feels that anything that can bring the wizarding communities together is a good thing.”

Sirius nodded, still looking slightly alarmed by the news. “That will just open Hogwarts up to whoever wants to come in, won’t it?”

Percy scoffed. “The Ministry is equipped to handle anyone who might try to cause trouble at the school.”

Sirius grinned over at Remus, arching a long eyebrow. “Just like they kept me out last year, is that right?”

Percy looked a little embarrassed and went quiet, folding his hands in his lap and looking overly interested in the cushion on his lap.

“What extra precautions are there?” Sirius asked, and Remus knew immediately that he was thinking of Harry.

“They’re only letting students that are of age enter the Tournament.” Arthur said. “Which narrows it down to the seventh years, really. And like Percy said, there will be extra security at the school. I heard they’re hiring Mad-Eye Moody as a teacher this year at Hogwarts as well.”

Remus looked up in surprise, but Sirius beat him to his question.

“Mad-Eye Moody? They’re letting him teach?” Sirius asked. Remus remembered Moody with a smile. He’d been the only one besides Dumbledore that had been able to wrangle James and Sirius into obedience when they had been in the Order years ago.

“It’s a personal favour to Dumbledore, as I heard it.” Arthur replied. Remus couldn’t help but feel a bit envious that his position had been filled so quickly, and wished he could return this year, and keep an eye on Harry for Sirius.

“He’s a bit dangerous, isn’t he?” Bill asked, but sounded as if he thought this was interesting rather than worrying.

“He was one of the toughest Aurors back in the day, but recently he’s given the Ministry quite a bit of trouble.”  Arthur frowned.

Remus found his thoughts wandering to the days he’d spent with Moody- long hours hidden in bushes in the cold and damp, without so much as a warming charm to comfort him, and all in the name of constant vigilance. It had made Remus a better Order member, but had also given him a strong aversion to the smell of the pumpkin juice and the bitter alcohol he kept in his flask, as well as the whole of Wiltshire in general. He was startled out of his thoughts by a loud bout of laughter from Charlie and Bill.

“It’s not funny!” Arthur was saying. “Well, maybe a bit, but don’t let your mother catch you laughing about it. The poor Auror was in St. Mungos for a week before they could figure out was wrong with her. But I hear Moody may have had a flicker of guilt about the whole situation, because he’s training her personally now.”

Bill was laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face. “Trust Tonks to try and scare a wizard like Moody.”

Remus blinked in surprise. He knew that name, and when he had placed it, he looked at Sirius, who seemed to be having a similar realization.

“You don’t mean Nymphadora Tonks, do you?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah, she was at Hogwarts with me. Do you know her?” Bill asked, really looking at Sirius for the first time.

Sirius went a bit pale, and looked at his hands. “She’s my cousin’s daughter. I guess she’s grown up a lot since… well.”

The room fell uncomfortably silent, and Remus wished he could reach out and take Sirius’ hand, but knew it could only make things worse.

“She is a brilliant Auror.” Bill said, smiling a bit. “I think you’d get on with her quite well, actually.”

“I’ll have to send her mother a letter.” Sirius said, looking nervous that all the attention was on him again.

Bill smiled politely and talk of the Triwizard Tournament began again, and they let Charlie tell them about his adventures with dragons in Romania as the sun set in the sky, and they heard the sounds of Harry and his friends returning to the tent.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feedback is appreciated and I would love to hear your ideas about where the fic is going. This chapter is a bit messier than I would have liked but I think the next one will go over better. :)


	3. the cup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> remus and sirius go to the cup, but not all goes as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw this chapter for: transphobic remarks (on the part of a malfoy), and some non-graphic violence and nudity. if you need more details please feel free to ask for them on my tumblr queermarauders.

 

The tension that had built earlier that day was nothing compared to the pressure Remus felt around them on the way to the match. The kids didn’t notice, of course, and lead the way through the lantern lit path to the stadium. Sirius clutched at Remus’ sleeve whenever a large crowd drew close and Remus had to do his best not to reach for Sirius as well.

* * *

 When Arthur Weasley handed their tickets to the witch at the entrance, Remus was shocked to hear her say ‘Top Box’. Of course, Arthur worked for the Ministry, but Remus had thought they’d be somewhere in the thousands of people below.

He took up the rear as they filed up the stairs and headed toward the highest point in the stadium. They took a seat in chairs fancier than the rest, and he heard Sirius’ intake of breath as they took in the crowd below them. It was more people than Remus had ever seen, and it was all he could do and keep an eye on Sirius, who was fiddling with the pair of Omniculars he’d bought for the occasion. Remus felt anxiety creep up as the box filled with people. Arthur introduced him to many of them, and they shook hands warily, obviously having heard of his condition since Sirius had told his whole story in from of the Wizengamot.

As Minister for Magic stepped into the box, Sirius’ attention was finally drawn away from the stadium and back to his present surroundings. He sat very still in his seat and did not smile when Harry was introduced to the Minister from Bulgaria. Remus noticed how Fudge had worn his best robes for the occasion and was not sporting his usual comical bowler hat. The change was not as flattering as he was sure Fudge had hoped it would be; he was balding and looked even shorter than usual.

“...oh, and here’s Lucius!” Fudge was saying, and at once the whole group of Weasley’s turned toward the door, where Lucius Malfoy and his family were shaking hands with the Minister.

Remus knew the Malfoy family on sight. He’d taught Draco last year, and the brat had tried his patience, but that was nothing compared to the unpleasant memories of his father years before.

Fudge seemed to be under the impression that they would all get on like old friends, and Arthur begrudgingly, shook his hand as the Minister turned away to more important guests.

“Good Lord, I didn’t know they were letting convicts and half breeds into the top box now. It seems like someone has a taste for fame, just like his godson.” his lip curled.

Before Remus could stop him, Sirius was out of his seat.

“Watch your mouth, and stay away from Harry.” Sirius snarled, stepping closer to Lucius menacingly.

“Careful, Black, or you’ll end up in prison for another… what was it? Twelve years? We’ve all seen where your temper has gotten you.” he replied coldly.

Remus put an arm on Sirius’ shoulder, who said under his breath “Death Eater scum…” But he turned away, his shoulders relaxing.

“You need your pet to stop you?” Lucius continued. “Or should I say your girlfriend? You know, when I heard a werewolf had been teaching at Hogwarts I decided to do a little background check and there’s no record of a Remus Lupin being born to Lyall Lupin and his filthy Muggle wife.” Lucius’ voice was so low that Sirius, Remus, and Arthur could hear it, so when Sirius reached for his wand, the whole crowd jumped back in surprise.

“Sirius- no.” Remus grabbed his arm and Arthur stepped in front of him protectively. “Not here.” Remus said, his breath coming out in a hot exhale. He could feel Sirius strain against him, anger pulsing in his chest. Sirius slowly lowered his wand, and Remus breathed a sigh of relief. He turned, and he could see Harry, Ron, and Hermione all looking quite concerned.

He did not care about the match at all anymore. He just wanted Sirius to get through it without incident, to go back to the tent arm in arm, happy winners or drunk losers, and have a laugh with Harry and the Weasleys. He knew that could not happen, that this night would not go on as he had so hoped because Sirius wasn’t ready for this, he was going to break, and Remus would not be able to piece him back together when he did. There were too many eyes watching.

That reality seemed to sink further and further from him as he watched the Malfoys take their seats directly behind him, Lucius’ silver tipped cane thudding on the ground behind them as if to remind them that he was still there, that he was still a threat.

* * *

 

The show started, the loud voice of Ludo Bagman boomed throughout the stadium, announcing the start of the Cup and the mascots from Bulgaria. The screaming crowd was almost deafening, and Harry leaned forward in his seat in excitement.

“Veela!” Arthur said, and wiped off his glasses on his robes, staring in rapt attention at the stadium below.

Remus leaned forward to see. He knew what veela were, but had never come across one, apart from in the pages of his father’s books. The pictures did not do their beauty justice. Their skin shone, though not from the stadium lights, but in a luminescent and soft way. Music started and they began to dance, and Remus could not take his eyes off of them, their long golden hair, their swaying hips and shining eyes. Remus thought, for a moment, that if he could just talk to one of them… But what would he say?  

A sudden grip on his arm made him realize his mouth was hanging open slightly. Sirius was looking at him incredulously, one eyebrow quirked up in amusement.

“They’re gorgeous, Sirius, can’t you see that?”

“I really can’t.” Sirius smiled, his other hand firmly gripping Ginny’s shoulder to prevent her from leaving her seat and diving from the box and towards the veela below, as Harry looked close to doing.

Remus blinked and tried to shake off their effect, but felt his heart surge as the music stopped and the veela left the stadium. Hermione seemed to have wrangled Harry and Ron back into their seats, and Remus looked up as Ludo Bagman shouted “And now, kindly put your wands in the air… for the Irish National Team Mascots!”

An explosion of sound broke through the stadium as a green and gold comet went whizzing by. Sirius’ smile disappeared, replaced by a look of terror as he dove down, covering his head and neck with his hands. His shout was lost in the crowd, but as soon as Remus looked at his face again, he knew they had to go. He leaned over to Arthur.

“Have to go. Sorry! Watch Harry, please.” he said, putting an arm tightly around Sirius’ shoulder. Arthur gave him a nod, looking anxiously at Sirius, who was heaving for breath,eyes wide.

“Sirius, breathe.” he leaned down to look him in the eye, but all that was there was panic, and the rise and fall of his chest did not slow. Remus lead him down the way they had come, down the purple carpeting, thankful that the paths were clear now that the match had started. When they were free of the crowds and just outside the stadium, he stopped, catching his breath. Sirius had lost his Omniculars along the way, Remus had been so set on getting him out of the crowds before Sirius lost it entirely.

“Sirius. It’s just fireworks. Just a trick, just for fun.” Remus loosened the grip on Sirius’ shoulder. He was gasping for air but did not seem to be getting any; if Remus wasn’t still holding onto him he would have dropped to the ground.When he could see that Sirius would not be walking away any time soon, he sat down on the ground, and Sirius sat beside him, dropping to his knees in the dirt. It took a long time before Sirius seemed to be able to hear Remus speaking to him. He looked over at him suddenly as Remus reassured him for the twentieth time.

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but Remus ran a hand through his curls, stopping him.

“I know. It was too much.”

They rose slowly, Remus pulling Sirius up, and walked back through the darkened campsite together, and Remus pretended he could not see the tears falling from Sirius’ eyes in the shadows.

* * *

 

The tent was eerily quiet when they came back to it. Sirius said a spell and the doors parted, the two of them slipped inside and were covered in utter darkness.

“I can make dinner.” Remus said quietly as Sirius drew his wand and began to light the front room, warms orbs of light flying from his wand and to the chandelier and gaudy black lamps.

“I’m not going to be able to eat right now.”

Sirius turned to him, and Remus could see his face now that the light was brighter. His eyes were red and puffy where the tears had ran down them, his robes looked displaced and messy.

“Tea, then.” Remus said softly.

“Can I have a drink?”

“Tea is a drink.”

“I was hoping for something stronger.”

“With no food in your stomach? Something stronger would knock you out right now.”

It was true, and Sirius knew it because he did not protest. Remus wanted to go home, but home right now was Sirius’ bed, and he only went there when invited, because when he did not wait for permission it felt like he’d broken down the door of the unspoken space they’d kept safely between the two of them.

“I h-hate that he’s free.” Sirius said.

“I know.” Remus tried to touch his arm, to placate him.

“No. You don’t. You weren’t there, you don’t know what it’s like in there. I do, and I’m telling you, Remus, he deserves it.” Sirius moved his arm away, his eyes were burning in anger and frustration.

“That’s cruel, Sirius.” Remus said after a long pause. “To wish someone had to live like that...look at what it’s done to you.”

“I know what it’s done to me!” Sirius shouted, his voice sharp in the silence that surrounded them. Remus jumped back as he grabbed an ornament off the mantelpiece and threw it, hard, against the stone of the fireplace, where it shattered.

“Sirius!” the shock of the outburst ran through him, the hair on the back of his neck prickling.

“-you don’t know what it’s like, to have this much anger, you didn’t see their bodies, YOU WEREN’T THERE!”

“ _Sirius_!”

He must have seen the look of terror and the rising anger in Remus’ face, because he dropped the next ornament he’d been preparing to throw and it landed on the rug with a dull thud.

Remus felt very much as if he wanted to punch him, but collected himself.

“I never told you what that night was like for me, you never asked. I haven’t held it against you that you didn’t-” he couldn’t quite get out the next word he wanted to say “-trust me back then, and I can forgive everything that happened between us back then, do you understand? But don’t you dare, don’t you dare act like I haven’t lost just as much as you have.”

Sirius stared at him, and Remus could see the tremble in his hands as they met eyes again.

“Okay.” Sirius said softly, and then dragged himself across the room, and fell back onto the settee, rubbing at his eyes.

Remus felt his anger deflate and his muscles relax  and then he joined him, giving him a wry smile.

“So, you haven’t lost your temper.”

* * *

 

Two cups of tea, with drops of whiskey, and Remus found Sirius relaxing into his arms. They had not talked much, except about Harry, and the outside forces that seemed to threaten to break into their lives once again and spill open the past. Sirius’ weariness about it all was tinged in anger, and Remus wished that he would not use what energy he had left for unhappiness, but he could not blame him. He, too, had felt very little raw emotion over the past twelve years, but it was not the dementors that had taken it from him, he had held it back himself for fear of alienation, of attention where it was due.

He wasn’t angry to have been ignored by all his old acquaintances before the flowers on James and Lily’s grave had wilted and dried. He was sure that he could not stand the pity of others, which was so often an excuse to pry further into his suffering and his personal life.

* * *

As he settled into his arms slowly, Remus found Sirius intertwining their fingers together, pulling him gently upstairs again. Remus followed easily, and closed the bedroom door behind them. For a moment they stood there, Sirius running his long fingers over Remus’ palms, silence intimately taking up the places between them.

Remus kissed him again softly, afraid to push too hard, to push at all. Slowly the soft press of lips drew out into languid, open mouthed kissing, and Sirius was trembling beneath his hands again.

“Are you okay?” Remus asked, worry in his eyes.

“I forgot what you’re like.” Sirius replied, his figure calming as Remus looked at him. “I forgot what touching is like.”

Remus swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Sirius, we don’t have to.” he started, but Sirius held a calloused finger tip to his lips.

“Too long. It’s been too long, I can’t wait any more.” he said, and stepped away.

 Earlier in life, it has been one of Remus’ great pleasures to see Sirius undress, and now Sirius seemed to pull off his robes defiantly, as if daring Remus to see him as fragile. Remus took in the sight of him and saw twelve years in his limbs, his torso, between his legs. His eyes lingered on the black ink that covered more of his body then he had thought. He would ask about the tattoos later. Now he just needed to touch him, to hold him. He did not hesitate before lowering him to the bed, but as soon as his knuckles brushed Sirius’ bare chest, Sirius fell apart beneath him.

“I can’t do it. Fuck. I’m sorry, Remus, I can’t.” Sirius looked up at him desperately as if Remus might not listen, which scared him (why would he not trust me now?). Sirius’ breath was coming fast, his whole body was tense. Remus moved away quickly and could hear the breath of relief Sirius exhaled as he did.

There was a body’s width between them, and Remus cupped Sirius’ chin more surely than he felt.

“Don’t cry.” he pressed a kiss to his forehead, and put a hand on his shoulder, easing him back into calmness.

“Sorry.” Sirius mumbled again, and Remus only shook his head,  When Sirius’ breath slowed and was heavy with sleep, Remus pulled a blanket over the two of them and waited, listening for the sounds of celebrating that would mean Harry and the Weasley’s were coming back.

He woke a few hours later to the shouting of the kids on the bottom floor and the sound of celebrations beginning outside. He could hear firecrackers and saw green and orange sparks outside the window. Ireland had won. Sirius was awake, too. He saw his eyes open and shine in the light.

“Ireland. I knew Lynch was better than Krum.” Sirius said hoarsely, a little smile on his face.

“It sounds like it was a good match.” Remus said, and felt the rest of the house settling in for the night. The sound outside slowly faded to the dull roar of the Irish celebrating in the distance.

“Harry can tell me all about it.” Sirius murmured, and then they were asleep again.

* * *

Remus woke again and it was not morning. At first, the sounds outside seemed to be celebrations, and he rolled over with a groan, trying to stifle them with his pillow.

“Listen.” Sirius’ hand was gripping his arm tightly, his voice was awake and alert. “They’re screaming.”

Remus sat up, and realized he was right, and tumbled out of bed, hurrying to get into his robes. Sirius was a step ahead of him and down the stairs before Remus got his shoes on.

“Harry! Arthur!” he shouted, and Remus followed as Sirius woke the rest of them up. “Come on, out of the tent, grab your wands.” his voice was controlled and brusque as it had been in battle. Remus gripped his wand tightly and brought up the rear of the group, his hand protectively on Ginny’s shoulder.

The sound of the crowds were only getting louder. Many people were running into the woods, trampling tents that had already been left behind. Flashes of light from the crowd drew their attention, and more screams came, followed by laughter and loud cracks like gunfire. Remus saw their masks first and raised his wand immediately.

“Death Eaters.” Sirius said what he was thinking, and then they came closer, illuminated in green light and dying embers of the campfires. They were walking tightly in a group, wands raised, and Remus felt sick as he realized what was happening. They’d gotten the Muggles who ran the campsite. There were children up there.

“Fred, George, take Ginny and Ron and run for the woods. Harry and Hermione too. The rest of us have to help the Ministry. Stay out of trouble and stay together.” Arthur said, looking at his sons. They nodded and grabbed Ginny’s arm, pulling her with them

Remus saw Sirius clap Harry on the back before he ran into the crowd, brandishing his wand. Damn him, Remus thought, and followed.

* * *

 

He was scared. He was scared, but he followed, because he would follow Sirius anywhere. He hadn’t fought like this in years, he realized as they neared the crowd of Death Eaters. Sirius certainly hadn’t fought at all, and Remus could see him send a stunning spell at them, his mess of hair just visible through the crowd. What a time to be noble, Remus thought, when you can barely be around people at all, not to mention people that might try to kill you.

The Muggles above them spun in the air, disoriented and frightened and barely conscious. Remus thought he could summon one of them, try to levitate the smallest child to the ground, but he didn’t want to chance a tug-of-war and let her accidentally fall, she was up too high. The rest of the Ministry and wizards around them seemed to be facing the same dilemma. It was hard enough to ward off the occasional hexes that came from the jeering crowd, it took nearly three against one before they could make any progress at all. The children came down first, and Ministry wizards rushed forward and took them away, maybe to St. Mungos, clinging to their little forms.

Remus looked for Sirius, and found him, while the parents were still in the air. The Death Eaters were irritated now, and their laughter had turned to taunts and more spells in the direction of anyone in Ministry robes. Remus grabbed the back of Sirius’ robes and pulled him away and out of the thick of the crowd.

“Sirius, you’ve done enough.”

“No, Remus, I can do this, stop it.” he wrenched himself out of Remus’ grip and Remus sighed, backing away.

“We need to look for Harry and the rest of them, the Ministry has this covered.”

“You know I don’t trust the Ministry to take care of anything.” Sirius said begrudgingly, but headed for the forest with Remus, his wand still out.

“Sure, I’ll just leave you to sort out all of them then. What are you going to do once you’ve caught them all? Send them to Azkaban?” Remus asked dryly.

A flash of green light illuminated the sky, and their conversation stopped as they looked up and saw it, that horrible skull and snake, hanging over the forest like an omen. Remus had seen it too many times, but had never gotten over the shock of it. His blood seemed to freeze in his veins and screams of terror filled the forest again.

“No.” Sirius whispered, and lurched forward.

* * *

Remus, still holding onto Sirius’ robes, felt himself spinning and flying through the air, and landed on the ground with a dull thud seconds later, surrounded by trees.

Sirius was still standing, eyes wide, looking around the thick of trees. The Ministry wizards seemed to have the same idea, they appeared with a loud crack into the forest.

“Harry, where’s Harry?”  he asked wildly, as Remus pulled himself off the ground.

He saw Harry at the same time the rest of them did, and with horror he realized they were raising their wands, pointing them right at Harry and his friends, who dropped to the ground just in time.

“STUPEFY!” Red jets of light shot towards Harry, Ron, and Hermione, going every which way, Sirius pulled Remus out of the way before one hit him, it bounced off a tree and shot into the darkness.

“Stop!” Sirius was shouting. “Stop it, that’s my godson, THAT’S HARRY POTTER!”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! this chapter was a bit short, but i think the next one will be longer.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave any feedback you have or message me at queermarauders on tumblr!


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